I'm not sure how I am lately. Functioning. And wishing I could be more productive. Everything's up in the air atm... job, career, life, future. I can't say any more about that for confidentiality reasons.

I don't want to talk about Subaru. Well, I can, I guess. Everything went smoothly on the 19th as it should, she was taken away by a very nice older man with a tow truck who just dragged her by the front axle up onto the flatbed. It was still traumatic though, but then again, how is trauma addressed? It's how we put events into perspective over time, that's when we come to the conclusion that something was a traumatic event or it wasn't. I can still hear that flatbed tow truck backing into our driveway. Worse still, our neighbours across the street are having thousands of dollars of renovations done to their house, including digging a new ditch. Now I wake up to that same sound of engines and those same sounds of machinery backing up every morning. It just triggers the memory in the back of my mind. It doesn't upset me on the outside but it's just... there. The good news is I think they'll be done soon. I want to thank someone in specific for commenting on my last entry. While everyone has shown their support - for which I am immensely grateful - and I haven't talked since the wintertime, we had a little bit of a falling out I guess you could say, so it was really nice to hear from her kind of out of the blue. Thank you, Neo.

Maybe it's the grieving process that, as I say, I'm sure is still going on in the back of my mind but not much feels like it used to. I feel like I'm drifting, I'm spending too much time doing the wrong things, and not any time on the important things (which include my online life, because that is important to me). It's hard to explain and I don't know what's causing it, but I hope it'll be over soon.

I feel like I've cried wolf many times but now the animal is circling it's prey. We've talked about it for years and years but now it's finally coming down to it: Subaru is leaving the driveway.

There's an old saying, there's no good time for bad news. There's no good time for someone to die. There's no good time to lose something that you have deeply loved. With human life there is rarely the option to wait, you have a dynamic being hanging in the balance. With a car it is different. So when do you decide to "pull the plug" on a car? There is no real answer to the question - the need has become compelling, as compelling as it would be with human life. It can't wait any more. But are we strong enough to go through with this? Am I strong enough to go through with this?

As much as this scares me, and it obviously does if I've put it off for this long, I think we are. It's just as the first sentence says - there's no good time for bad news, and it's human nature to avoid the things that you don't have to deal with if they are not compelling. I think we are strong, grief is not insurmountable, although it always starts out feeling that way.

May was always a hard month, especially in the final years, because I never knew if I was going to be able to keep my car another year.Somehow, although we purchased the car on the 30th of January (which was my father's birthday) our inspections always were in May. Even though the car hasn't had an inspection in years, it's now confirmed that May will also be a hard month this year.

I think my mother's being a heartless bitch over this. She said they could either come THIS AFTERNOON or Tuesday afternoon. Tuesday is the day my father leaves to go to New York for a few days. And she doesn't want to wait another week until he'll get back. Why can't we at least all be together to say goodbye? I want him here with me. The Monday before won't work because it's a holiday here.




And somehow somewhere along the way there became someone else mixed up in all of this... if you're not him, obviously this next part doesn't apply to you.

[And to you. Fuck you. You promised the world for you and I behind the wheel of these cars but in reality you did nothing to ever help me and my car. All you did was reinforce every fear I ever had, to the point that it became so unbearable I had a nervous breakdown. And even if you ever do come across this, you will be SO galled by the amount of Porsche related content on this page, which is so ironic considering you were the one touting your German heritage all this time. There's a line from The Veronica's song Popular, which goes like this: "Most guys I dated got intimidated so now I date up/If you know what I mean so they shut up/If you know what I mean so just shut up..." there's also another song that comes to mind called Revenge is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were). It is.

Porsche is out of your league, and so am I. I'd say more about that but I don't want something to happen that makes half of what I was about to say not come true and then I'll end up having to eat my words. Nothing is forever, but I sure hope what I currently have lasts a good long time.]



I might add more to this whole thing over the weekend.

Pretty damn hard done by, I've spent ages giving head...

...well not really, my night hasn't been THAT exciting. I've been listening to that line from Lily Allen's song for the last part of the night because you know what? It's true. It seems to make sense with all that's gone on in my world over the last 2 years creatively on here...

Sometimes life online and life offline kind of get too close to each other in ways that are completely unrelated, and when they do, I freak the hell out because I feel that they might collide and then both of those with the same name will crash into each other (metaphorically speaking, of course) and then look at each other and be like "who the hell are you?". Those of you who have me on MySpace will probably piece it together... it's kind of a double life fail sometimes if you ask me.

Seriously though, going back to the online world, only 1 person commented my last journal entry, where I finally came through for everyone and finished the OC meme? Come on, I need a little more than that... besides, it's after midnight now and that means it's Elle's birthday, so at least hit the "Previous Journal Entries" button and comment it for her. Mmmkay?

Yes, that's right! No thanks to and her spam! (Inside joke.) Anyway, I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to this, since I last posted I went up to Pensacola over Easter weekend and saw and just had a great time. It was really fun to hang around with a fellow Cars fan, and by the time we'd been together maybe a day, we were like old friends. The visit helped me relax and get recentered creatively as well... so maybe if I have some time before I have to pack up to leave this beautiful place I might get some writing done!

I fought through the answers to this OC meme because I wanted it done by the end of tonight - it's Mikey's 18th birthday. He's a 2009 model so that means he's grown to full model specifications and now looks like this: [link]

I'll give a brief description of each OC, because the meme didn't include that.

Elle Mercedes-Benz: Silver 2003 Mercedes SL500 with green eyes
Elijah Carrera: Light blue 2002 Porsche 911 Carrera with light green eyes (hmmm... sound familiar?)
Mikey Mercedes-Benz: Silver 2009 Mercedes C350 with green eyes
Ruby: Dark red 2008 Porsche 911 Carrera 4S with blue eyes

requested that I fill this out for Elle so that's what I'm doing!

01. Full name: Elle Mercedes-Benz/Carrera
02. Best friend: Lisa, a fellow PhD student.
03. Sexuality: Straight
04. Favorite color: red
05. Relationship status: Married
06. Ideal mate: understanding.
07. Odd Skills/Skills in general: Able to read cars easily.
08. Last Amusing Escapade: Coming home after a night out and
09. Favorite food: Premium gasoline plz
10. Crushes: I’m gonna be lame and put Elijah, lol, because she did have a crush on him at one point
11. Favorite music: pop mostly
12. Biggest fear: Not knowing where her or Elijah’s careers are going to take them, and having another baby.
13. Biggest fantasy: same as the above.
14. Quirks: Is quiet usually, but if she gets excited she’s a lot louder than usual.
15. Bad habits: Not getting enough sleep
16. Biggest regret: Not standing up for herself when she was younger.
17. Best kept secrets: She’s not telling you!
18. Last thought: “I am so exhausted, and back on the west coast, so the day won’t be over anytime soon...”
19. Worst sexual/romantic experience: She was sexually assaulted on prom night.
20. Biggest insecurity: Not being able to juggle school/work and family.

and requested Elijah so here he is...

01. Full name: Elijah Andrew Carrera
02. Best friend: probably Elle.
03. Sexuality: Straight
04. Favorite color: red
05. Relationship status: Married
06. Ideal mate: able to put up with a hectic schedule.
07. Odd Skills/Skills in general: able to think clearly under pressure, most of the time anyways....
08. Last Amusing Escapade: Elle’s high school reunion, coming to Mikey’s defense after he punched out the Jeep that assualted Elle all those years ago.
09. Favorite food: premium gasoline
10. Crushes: Elle, once upon a time... *shot*
11. Favorite music: Rock
12. Biggest fear: Being accused of malpractice.
13. Biggest fantasy: Maybe going back to Hawaii...
14. Quirks: He can sleep just about anywhere (not to mention through almost anything), and is used to sleeping wherever he can find a place to park in the hospital.
15. Bad habits: Also not getting enough sleep.
16. Biggest regret: not seeing that something was wrong with Sally.
17. Best kept secrets: He kept the fact that he contacted and saw Sally from his parents for like 7 months. Fortunately they don’t seem to have put two and two together yet.
18. Last thought: “Glad that Mikey and I finally took care of that sick bastard.”
19. Worst sexual/romantic experience: Probably losing his virginity to Elle; it was her first time too and she was all like "OMFGTHISHURTSSTOPPLZ!!!!" ... I feel bad for both of them just thinking of it. At least we know all's well that ends well!

20. Biggest insecurity: Age. He’s two years ahead of his contemporaries education wise, and he worries that if patients knew that they might think he would be too young to be a “real doctor”.

And for ... Mikey and Ruby.

01. Full name: Michael “Mikey” Mercedes-Benz
02. Best friend: (I’ll get back to you on this one)
03. Sexuality: Straight
04. Favorite color: black
05. Relationship status: Single
06. Ideal mate: doesn’t know yet really.
07. Odd Skills/Skills in general:
08. Last Amusing Escapade: Getting thrown in the drunk tank along with Elijah at the end of Elle’s high school reunion for hitting the guy that sexually assaulted her.
09. Favorite food: Premium gasoline
10. Crushes: Ruby perhaps... he’s still not really sure how he feels about her but he did have a good time with her when he was in town!
11. Favorite music: Rap and rock
12. Biggest fear: Spending his life delivering pizza to Boston University college students like his cousin, a black E class who is known locally as “izza Mercedes”.
13. Biggest fantasy: It probably has to do with a scenario where he’s surrounded by female cars and it turns sexual.
14. Quirks: Has a weird sense of humor sometimes.
15. Bad habits: procrastination.
16. Biggest regret: Not keeping in touch with Ruby.
17. Best kept secrets: His parents don’t know that he spent the night in a police station.... yet.
18. Last thought: “I can’t believe how many cars knew about Friday night considering none of them were there...”
19. Worst sexual/romantic experience: Breaking off his first sexual relationship, around Christmastime.
20. Biggest insecurity: Still isn’t sure whathe wants to do with his life (but what 18 yar old is?).

01. Full name: Ruby De Rossi
02. Best friend: none
03. Sexuality: Bisexual
04. Favorite color: dark red, just like her.
05. Relationship status: It’s complicated. Like really complicated.
06. Ideal mate: Someone who is adventurous enough to keep her satisfied
07. Odd Skills/Skills in general: Is living like an emancipated teenager, but seemsn to have most aspects of life under control aside from her sexual exploits.
08. Last Amusing Escapade: Trying to pass Nevan off onto some of her friends so she could be alone with Mikey.
09. Favorite food: Gasoline om nom nom
10. Crushes: Meh, whoever she finds interesting at the time.
11. Favorite music: Rap, dance, hip hop, pop.
12. Biggest fear: Giving birth - her mother died during childbirth, which kind of compunds her current worries...
13. Biggest fantasy: Sex with a celebrity. Just for the prestige.
14. Quirks: She's one of those types that genuinely attracts guys, although she is only interested really in the sexual aspect of things.
15. Bad habits: Too easy.
16. Biggest regret: Not telling Mikey right away that she was pregnant.
17. Best kept secrets: Currently hiding her pregnancy from... everyone.
18. Last thought: “8 more days until this is taken care of....”
19. Worst sexual/romantic experience: this one.
20. Biggest insecurity: Judgement by others, although she tries her best to hide it.


...I'msohappyIfinallygotthisdone

OC MEME: Yes I've posted this before but this time ask some questions! I only got like one question last time and I know you all can do better than that.

You can choose from Elle, Elijah, Ruby, or Mikey (and if you don't know who the last two are - ask!).

Pick ANY character of mine and I will tell you their:
01. Full name
02. Best friend
03. Sexuality
04. Favorite color
05. Relationship status
06. Ideal mate
07. Odd Skills/Skills in general
08. Last Amusing Escapade
09. Favorite food
10. Crushes
11. Favorite music
12. Biggest fear
13. Biggest fantasy
14. Quirks
15. Bad habits
16. Biggest regret
17. Best kept secrets
18. Last thought
19. Worst sexual/romantic experience
20. Biggest insecurity